Applauding:
Venues' overheads during these uncertain times are extortionate…and you have the gall to not have a beer in your hand?? Work on your one-raised-eyebrow-slight-frown-and-nod-in-approval between songs and buy some drinks ffs.
Forgetting to use your phone:
It looks bland when you go to a show and aren't surrounded by auteurs videoing the whole thing or constantly taking snapshots. How will all of our Facebook friends know we were there if you leave your phone in your pocket? And make sure you have the flash turned on or else you won't be able to make out the expression on the frontman's face from 50 meters away.
Keeping your cool when your $10 beer gets poured into a plastic cup:
You've paid for an expensive status symbol, and the jerk behind the bar has just done away with that in one slow, awkward pour! Time to get angry, especially if someone bumps into your hand and almost spills it. You're in a crowded room - why should you have to hold your drink close to your body to avoid inevitable mishaps? Getting angry is all part of the collective experience at the best gigs! Anyway, all beer tastes yuck anyway. We'd prefer to be drinking cruisers.
Watching and/or appreciating the band:
Nobody paid to have a shared experience here, buddy. The only reason anyone even came to this show that sold out in 6 minutes is to be able to tell people who they kind of know that they were here. So as long as you've got some selfies and/or video footage, you're good to go. Get those out of the way by about half way through, then you can talk loudly with your friends. Constantly. It's antisocial if you don't.
Saving your drugs for the after party:
You've found out the band is going to be hanging at Cherry after the show. I have no idea how you came up with that information, but you must be a hipster with all the right connects. But seriously, don't wait for that. Make sure you time your double so you start sweating bullets about 5 minutes into the headliner's set - that way you can dance like nobody's watching and shout out requests and unwittingly rub your sweaty body against strangers who are desperate for your sweaty attention. Nothing's worse than going to a gig and missing out on standing next to a golden god.
FOMO:
So you're not really into the band, but you hear their show is going to sell out crazy fast, and you want to lord your supremacy over your Facebook friends. Make sure you get on your computer and snap up those tickets! You can always scalp them on eBay later on.
Using your peripheral vision:
Someone's got a full load of beer and are cleverly, with minimal spillage, navigating their way through the crowd to their group of friends. Noticing this in your peripheries, you assist their passage with minimal exertion. But where's the fun in that? Here's what you do: while standing in a loose group so there's just enough room to get through, but only if you move slightly to your left…just don't move. That way, the beer carrier gets an enjoyable challenge, and you get to glare at them angrily while they brush against your jacket sleeve on the way through.
Buying booze:
The point of a show is to enjoy a band playing live - why do you need to be drinking, too? Think about it! All of those trips to the bar ruins everyone else's experience because they may have to move slightly while you walk past, and you may block their vision for half a second. Added to that, unless you're super careful, you're definitely going to spill at least one entire beer on someone while dancing back from the bar to where your friends are.
Being tall:
Good for you. You get to hit your head on door frames. But why do you always have to find where I am, and be standing in front of me? I've looked around at the rest of the assembly, and you definitely have the largest head in the room. It's fucking MASSIVE! And you have been at the last 5 shows I've been to. Just stop being that.
Walking a short distance from the exit before lighting up:
It's been a long show, I'm sure you're desperate for a cigarette. You know what, weirdly, all the non-smokers are hanging for one too! Don't walk down the road for twenty seconds before lighting up or they'll miss their fix.
SUMMARY:
Almost everyone at a show is at least a bit annoying - have some tolerance, use good judgment and, basically, just don't be a dick.
*The author is a tall, occasional smoker with excellent vision who drinks expensive beer.
